Need a break

It's been awhile since I have updated. I guess blogging my thoughts and feelings is harder than I thought it would be. There has been a lot of distress in my life lately that I have had a hard time knowing how to deal with it.

School is going great and I absolutely love it. I love the interaction with other adults. It's something that I have missed for so long that it actually makes me feel "me" again. I LOVE learning and have this eagerness to learn more. At the end of the school day, everyone around me is eager to go home as I catch myself taking my time not wanting to leave. I find myself wanting to learn more about what we are already learning, but with the understanding that my instructors only have 30 mins for lunch before they teach the afternoon class..LOL.

I guess I am learning that school is my "escape". It's my escape from everything that is going on at home. Today I am home taking care of Aleia as she has the flu, but acheing inside because I want to be in school. Then you add the guilt for feeling this way because my mind isn't where it should be. It should be with Aleia, making sure she is well taken care of, but I can't help but think all that I am missing out on at school. I hate the fact I have no support system at home. I have no one to take care of my kids when they are sick so I can go to school. I get so jealous of the women who have their parents to take care of their kids while they go to school and yet, half of these women don't want to be there. It frustrates me to NO end. I have one mom who takes Aleia to school, but if her kid is sick, she can't take Aleia to school. I have no one here. It truly sucks.

That is just ONE of many things going on. But, the biggest stresser of all is worrying about my husband. He hasn't been well and we have been going to different specialists and everytime we turn around, he has another diagnosis of something else. First of all, he's a diabetic. He sees an endocrinologist for that and thankfully he is on the right meds to help control his diabetes. But, recently he has had to go see a hematologist and urologist for 2 separate things. To make a long story short, the hematologist diagnosed him with polycythemia. It is a blood disorder where your bone marrow overproduces too many cells. Ironically, last quarter we just learned about blood disorders and had wondered if Dave had this. When I was reading his lab reports, I had noticed that all his RBC, WBC, and platelets were up so polycythemia came to mind. Well, the hematologist confirmed it and now he has to go in for a bone marrow biopsy to rule out a tumor, which sometimes can be the culprit. The treatment of polycythemia is simply phlebotomy. They extract blood to reduce your blood volume as there are too many blood cells in your blood stream. Well, typically, they have to do this once a week, which is impossible for Dave since he is a truck driver. So, right now we are trying to schedule him everytime he comes home. This is done until his blood volume goes down, and then he may only need it done once a month, depending on his lab results. But it doesn't end there.

Dave has been having lower back pain and blood clots in his urine. So, off to the urologist. Come to find out, he may have prostate cancer. We are still waiting for his cytology tests and then he has to have a CT scan. Not only that, he is also having a colonoscopy as he is at risk for colon cancer due to his mom dying at a young age of the disease.

I'm telling you...if it isn't one thing, it's another. I am so worried about him, even though I know there is nothing more we can do except what we are already doing. We are financially drowning because he has to keep coming home for all these tests, which affects his time on the road to support us financially. I have never been so scared for him in my life. I love my husband so much it hurts and the thought of him not being in my life is too much to take.

I had a mini meltdown at school yesterday. I let my instructor know what was going on, and she was so positive and reassuring to me. I am so lucky to have her. She is a very wise woman. She reminded me of a lot of things...things that I cannot change and I have to live everyday by the second. It was a good reminder.

So, today I am going to take a break and concentrate on taking care of Aleia. She needs her mommy.

What a GREAT day to be an American!

Today has been a very emotional day for me. It's hard to be sad and happy all at once. Today was the greatest day for our country as Barack Obama is now our 44th President of the United States. I am just in awe to see everyone from all walks of life come together, celebrating and excited that change is coming. Martin Luther King had a dream, and today it became a reality. Today was the first day in a very long time that I actually felt proud to be an American. I am so happy that my girls took part in witnessing history today.

It is also a sad day for me as it is the 17th anniversary of my dad's passing in 1992. I find myself thinking of him more often the older I get. I sometimes can't get out of my head how I wish he got the chance to see my girls grow up. I sometimes find myself daydreaming of him. I think of him coming over to visit and having coffee with us. I can hear him talking to Dave, my husband about the trucking industry. I think of Aleia sitting on his lap, Andria singing him a song, and Ashley telling him some corny joke since they both have that warped sense of humor trait. He was taken from us way too soon. He never had the chance to live his life to what HE wanted to do. He was 56 years old. I love you daddy.

Cabin Fever

I think the title says it all. Every year I suffer from this like most people do who live in cold winter climates. I have wondered about how people do it that go to school and take online classes. I know personally, if I couldn't go out of the house to go to school, I would be totally going insane right now. I think getting out of the house every morning is what gives me the distraction that I need so I don't fall into a deep "cabin fever" depression. Having that said, I do feel the effects of cabin fever early on this year due to the wicked winter we have had this season so far. But, I have noticed something different about it this season than seasons in the past. For some odd reason, I have more "energy" and I have actually lost some weight since I started school September 29th. 16 pounds to be exact as I weighed myself at school (such a HUGE benefit I get for being in the field I am because we have about 10 doctor scales in our nursing art lab rooms). I haven't done anything really to "try" to lose weight and it's probably the first time I have actually lost weight without trying. The only thing I have done differently is eat breakfast earlier and go to school. I had to force myself to eat within an hour of waking up because that is the only time I have time to eat breakfast. It was actually a huge change for me, but it seems like such a simple change. The second thing is getting out of the house, 5 days a week to go to school. I pull around a small carry on suitcase to fit all my books and folders that weigh about 500 pounds...lol. I have 4 classes a day, each class runs an hour long with a 10 min break inbetween. I usually have a snack that I either bring with me to school, or I buy a fiber one bar out of the school's vending machine since it is the ONLY close to healthy thing that they put in there. I usually eat my snack after 2nd hour which is around 10:00. Then, after school is out at around noon, I come home, eat lunch and start my homework before the girls come home from school. I usually get on the computer when I take a break from homework to "recharge" my brain, and then I go back and work on it some more. After the girls are home, I help with their homework and prepare and eat dinner, clean up, do the bedtime routine, and then spend about an hour to myself getting ready to do it all over again the next day. This was basically what I did before I started school except the first half of my day. That is really the only part I have changed, and as a result I FEEL better than I ever had in YEARS! Just a small routine mix up can really make a difference if you are ever in a slump. Or, if you are like me who has a hard time with change, give yourself something that forces you to make your schedule a little different. If I would have thought that changing my schedule up would help me lose weight and give me more energy, I would have done this a LONG time ago! Somehow, I was able to kickstart my metabolism, and everything about me...my weight, energy level, mind, esteem, had all changed for the better. Who would have thunk? LOL I haven't changed much in the way I have eaten because honestly I eat pretty well and eat well within my portions with food. Yes...I do have my sweets here and there and my beloved Starbucks Grande Decaf Cinnamon Dolce latte about once or twice a week...LOL But....now I am beginning to think...what would happen if I added a little more exercise to my routine or cut out my sweets to a bare minimum or cut my Starbucks back to one every two weeks. Ok...well...maybe not my Starbucks...LOL but if these little changes that I have made made a noticable difference in myself, I can only imagine what would happen if I continued to add a little more positive changes to my life.

Recognizing these little changes has really given me the motivation to do more. Not just to lose weight but for my self esteem and energy level to do well in life. I am almost certain that these changes have helped with the cabin fever. I just wished I had done it sooner.

It's the little things...

Throughout my life, I have found that it's the little things that make or break your day. Don't know why this is. It sounds silly if you sit and think about it. I enjoy those little moments of pleasure when it's something "good". Today I had one of those "good" moments and just had to share.

So...I'm in my second quarter of school. Some of my classes are new this quarter and some are the same that I have to take all 4 quarters. One of those classes I have to take all 4 quarters is venipuncture.

Now, keep in mind...our class (we are sophmores this quarter) have only done 6 draws last quarter due to mainly the holidays. Technically, we should have had 9 draws last quarter but they are letting us draw 3 more times (we draw every Friday) before we actually get a check off, which is basically like a "quiz" to show them that you know what you are doing.

So...it's been 3 weeks since we have done our last draw, due to the winter break. You can tell everyone was nervous because everyone around me tends to pick the "same" person to draw blood on because they either "know" where their veins are or they "know" that person has really good veins. Understand that if we don't get blood from that person, it's an automatic minus 40 points out of 100. So, you can understand why people get paired up with the same people all the time. Well...except me because I for some reason have this "need" for a challenge so I really like the fact of getting someone different every time. I think what it boils down to is most people are concentrating more on losing points worrying if they don't get blood. I so get that. But...I also understand that this is a learning process. This is not about just getting blood. When you are out there in a doctors office, hospital, or lab, you are going to draw from people with nice, big, juicy veins or someone who has what I call "mystery veins"...where they are deep, and they tend to roll on you. The point being is you need to learn the technique to when you come across these difficult veins, you have to problem solve in order to get that vein. And...you have to understand and accept the fact that you will not get blood 100% of the time. I know "I" get this, and I am sure others get it sort of, they just haven't stepped out of their "comfort zone" so to speak.

So, anyway...everyone knows by now who has the "most difficult veins" in class. I kinda find it funny as these people are left with no partners as everyone has already picked each other. Kinda like when you are in elementary school, and they are picking teams and you are the last one picked. I kinda feel bad for these people but, fortunately for me, it gives me the challenge that I strive for. There is one girl in particular. I will call her M. No one has yet to get blood from her. She has very deep and rolling veins. In fact, Mrs. B (our instructor) announced today that if anyone draws on her, but doesn't get blood, she will give you full credit IF you do the proper technique and you try everything possible to get that vein. M didn't have a partner so I stepped up and told her I would be her partner. Why not? As long as I do everything that I have been taught, I will get full credit. If I get blood, it would be a double bonus for me!

Well......guess what. I drew blood. WOOOT! I cannot express how I was feeling when I saw that blood go into that tube. I could hear people say with excitement...she got blood from M! It was the most satisfying feeling. I felt like I had scored a touchdown for my team. I was about to come out of my skin and scream with excitement. I had the biggest adrenaline rush imaginable, as it took me several minutes to stop shaking so I could label my tube and complete my paperwork...LOL

I took the step to come out of my comfort zone when no one else would. I DID THAT! This is HUGE for me. I use to be at a level where most people are. This is a learning process. This isn't about pass or fail. If you take the easy route all the time, you will never stumble and fall, and learn along the way. This little thing made my entire day. What a great feeling.

Vacation is officially over

These last few weeks off for the holiday break has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. First, I had finals, the week before Christmas. That was definately an interesting stressful week. Secondly, my beloved father in-law passed away on December 20th. During that time, Dave spent a lot of time in Oklahoma to be with his siblings as they needed his emotional support. We were lucky enough to spend Christmas with my husband, but he soon had to leave again for the funeral. Despite the external & inner ear infection that he had been suffering since he got back from Oklahoma, it was so good to have him home and didn't want him to leave. But, some things must come to an end, so this morning, the girls and myself went back to school and Dave had a load waiting for him in Ohio to take down to Texas. Back to the old routine once again.

Today was the first day of my second quarter. I am no longer a freshman, and walked into the classroom as a sophmore. Yay! I was glad to have the first quarter behind me and ready to move on to different things. I am happy and proud to say that I made the Deans list with a 92% overall average for my first quarter! It was quite the accomplishment and I feel very good about my average. But, there are some things that I still need to work on. Part of our grade is on professionalism and was marked on a few things that I need to improve on. Funny thing is, they are things that I am already aware of and am currently working very hard on. Even though I try not to show these "flaws" I have, these instructors are very intuitive. It goes to show you that this school raises the bar in professionalism and teaches you to be the best of the best. No complaints here. I am actually grateful for them to bring it to my attention so I can work on these areas of myself to be the best at what I am set out to do. My goal this quarter is to focus on what areas I need to work on, both behaviorial and academically. Just makes me more determined and in the end, I am in hopes that I come out to be a better person.

Jackie

While I was growing up, I begged and begged my dad to get either a dog or a cat. My mom was allergic to cats, and my dad wasn't too fond of dogs, so I basically grew up petless...well..actually I had a guinea pig once and some dutch rabbits, but I never had the chance to experience what it was like to grow up with a dog or cat like all my friends did. Needless to say, I was extremly jealous of all my friends who had them.

My dad was a very superstitious man. Especially with black cats. One time we were on vacation, there was a black cat that crossed the road. My dad actually stopped the van in the middle of the road, turned around and went down another street. True story! All of us kids, including my mom used to joke about it all the time. My dad would get a good laugh out of it, but he still would not take any chances. On our previous vacation, he crossed a black cats path and came home to an inch of water in the kitchen and the tv wouldn't work. I guess that was the moment that made him a true believer that black cats were bad luck.

Well, meet one of our cats(we have 2) Jackie (or just "Jack"). Yes, he is an all black cat. He has gorgeous green eyes, but is a little on the chubby side( he's 20 pounds). This cat hates Dave and I, but tolerates the girls. He will be pleasant to you if you are a stranger, but once you become a regular at my house, be prepared to be treated the same as everyone else in this household. We haven't figured out why but he has one of those personalities where if you try to pet him, he looks at you and says "ewww..people germs, get away from me". The only time he will love on you is when he wants food. Very typical for a cat of this type of personality. We have been SO blessed with him (can you hear the sarcasim?)

Tonight we had to take Jack to the vet. He hadn't been feeling well for the last few days. He won't eat or drink and thought maybe it was something serious and was prepared to have him put to sleep. He looked just miserable and we were prepared for the worst. So, we gathered him up, and took him to the vet tonight. Diagnosis? He's constipated. Yeah...I am sure my dad is rolling over in his grave having a good laugh right now and telling me "I told you so".

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

It's hard to believe this year is about to end. As I reflect back on this year, I have a lot of mixed emotions. As a family, we have had some hardships, mainly financially, but somehow we have managed to pull through one way or another. I don't know how we do it but anytime we get off course, there is always something or someone who is put right in our path to lead us back. I am a true believer that things happen for a reason and these hardships are to prepare us for what is about to come. During these times I have to keep reminding myself that we go through these things in life to get to where we are meant to be. I have come to realize this past year that if my life was easy, I would not be who I am today. I like who I am becoming and will continue to keep focused on what I have been set out to do.



With as many hardships we have had as a family, I have to proudly say that there has been MANY positive changes! I'll start with my daughter Andria. I cannot express how truly proud I am of her. For the last 2 years, she has struggled with anxiety issues and OCD. During the summer, she had an opportunity to go on a road trip with Dave. Every summer, she takes a trip to see her grandmother up north. This year, we let her decide and she chose to go on the road with Dave and visit her grandmother when she got back. If you knew Andria, you would know this is a HUGE step for her. People who suffer from OCD usually have a hard time with "change", so for Andria, this was a GREAT step in controlling her emotions and thoughts. When she came back, it was like she was a different kid. She became independant, happy, relaxed....I had to ask my husband what he did with Andria and who was this girl he picked up! LOL I am happy to say that it didn't just end there. She is doing very well in school (honor roll both quarters so far this year), she made a couple of new friends, and overall I can see a difference in her confidence. I never thought I would actually say this, but I am happy to see a normal, hormonal 13 year old. Don't get me wrong, she has some moments, but they are typical 13 yr old issues that I am more than happy to deal with then a little girl who was so lost, scared, highly dependant, and suffered through the worst anxiety attacks you can ever imagine. I FINALLY got my Andi back :)



Another great moment this year was the day I went back to school. I cannot express how good I feel to be able to go to class everyday, interact with other adults, and actually ENJOY what I am learning everyday. It is very overwhelming at times, but it's a "good" type of overwhelming. The feeling is like when you need to clean out a cluttered, stuff piled up to the ceiling basement and that first look takes you back wondering "how the heck am I gonna do this and where do I start?" It's intimidating and overwhelming at first, but once you start and get into a routine, and start decluttering, you start to feel like you are getting something accomplished. The more you declutter, the better you feel and know that once it gets all done, you KNOW how good it's gonna feel. You know it's gonna take some time, and it's not going to happen overnight, but little by little, you get more done and you can picture what it will be like when you are finished. This is what keeps me going. I can actually SEE what lies ahead for me and it makes me that much more determined to keep going. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. It's good to have that feeling back.



I am truly blessed and I hope everyone has a GREAT 2009! I'll see you next year ;)