Need a break

It's been awhile since I have updated. I guess blogging my thoughts and feelings is harder than I thought it would be. There has been a lot of distress in my life lately that I have had a hard time knowing how to deal with it.

School is going great and I absolutely love it. I love the interaction with other adults. It's something that I have missed for so long that it actually makes me feel "me" again. I LOVE learning and have this eagerness to learn more. At the end of the school day, everyone around me is eager to go home as I catch myself taking my time not wanting to leave. I find myself wanting to learn more about what we are already learning, but with the understanding that my instructors only have 30 mins for lunch before they teach the afternoon class..LOL.

I guess I am learning that school is my "escape". It's my escape from everything that is going on at home. Today I am home taking care of Aleia as she has the flu, but acheing inside because I want to be in school. Then you add the guilt for feeling this way because my mind isn't where it should be. It should be with Aleia, making sure she is well taken care of, but I can't help but think all that I am missing out on at school. I hate the fact I have no support system at home. I have no one to take care of my kids when they are sick so I can go to school. I get so jealous of the women who have their parents to take care of their kids while they go to school and yet, half of these women don't want to be there. It frustrates me to NO end. I have one mom who takes Aleia to school, but if her kid is sick, she can't take Aleia to school. I have no one here. It truly sucks.

That is just ONE of many things going on. But, the biggest stresser of all is worrying about my husband. He hasn't been well and we have been going to different specialists and everytime we turn around, he has another diagnosis of something else. First of all, he's a diabetic. He sees an endocrinologist for that and thankfully he is on the right meds to help control his diabetes. But, recently he has had to go see a hematologist and urologist for 2 separate things. To make a long story short, the hematologist diagnosed him with polycythemia. It is a blood disorder where your bone marrow overproduces too many cells. Ironically, last quarter we just learned about blood disorders and had wondered if Dave had this. When I was reading his lab reports, I had noticed that all his RBC, WBC, and platelets were up so polycythemia came to mind. Well, the hematologist confirmed it and now he has to go in for a bone marrow biopsy to rule out a tumor, which sometimes can be the culprit. The treatment of polycythemia is simply phlebotomy. They extract blood to reduce your blood volume as there are too many blood cells in your blood stream. Well, typically, they have to do this once a week, which is impossible for Dave since he is a truck driver. So, right now we are trying to schedule him everytime he comes home. This is done until his blood volume goes down, and then he may only need it done once a month, depending on his lab results. But it doesn't end there.

Dave has been having lower back pain and blood clots in his urine. So, off to the urologist. Come to find out, he may have prostate cancer. We are still waiting for his cytology tests and then he has to have a CT scan. Not only that, he is also having a colonoscopy as he is at risk for colon cancer due to his mom dying at a young age of the disease.

I'm telling you...if it isn't one thing, it's another. I am so worried about him, even though I know there is nothing more we can do except what we are already doing. We are financially drowning because he has to keep coming home for all these tests, which affects his time on the road to support us financially. I have never been so scared for him in my life. I love my husband so much it hurts and the thought of him not being in my life is too much to take.

I had a mini meltdown at school yesterday. I let my instructor know what was going on, and she was so positive and reassuring to me. I am so lucky to have her. She is a very wise woman. She reminded me of a lot of things...things that I cannot change and I have to live everyday by the second. It was a good reminder.

So, today I am going to take a break and concentrate on taking care of Aleia. She needs her mommy.